The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
