im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
