if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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