so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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