I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
