soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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