Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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