I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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