dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
