"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
