after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love you. Go after that dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
