he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
