worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
why do cheetos always look like penises
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
