Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
