I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
