there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
