my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
