Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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