i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
