i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
