I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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