I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need water and some morals
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
