so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
