I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
