Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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