My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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