I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
