The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
