Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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