hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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