i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
