we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
