He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
