you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
