mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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