The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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