I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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