Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
