Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
