this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
