I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
