how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
