i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
