I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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