Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
