The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
