I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
