why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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