TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The air was thick with penises
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
