My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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