my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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