Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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