Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
