...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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