All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
