Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
