Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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